turning 50
I have been really bugged over the last few months about turning 50. When I turned 40, it took awhile, but I eventually got over it. I remember going for a walk at Rissington about 1 ½ months before the day and working it through, and coming back at peace with turning 40. why is it so much harder this time?
Well, when I turned 40 I said to myself, “well that is the first half over, the rehearsal, so let’s get on and live this life!” And not a lot changed really. My youngest was still at preschool, and so I kept going to Playcentre several times a week. And school was still very important, and would be for a long time yet. All of them were still really involved in al the things kids do, and we were involved in what parents do. And it was going to be a long time before that changed. Well this time, my eldest has left home and is at university. Michael is in year 12, and will probably leave home in the next two years. And within five years Rebekah will have left too. Life will not just carry on as before as it did when I turned 40. Big changes are happening now.
When I turned 40, I had been in stipendiary ministry for about 12 years. I still had 25 years to go. Retirement still seemed a long way away. But this time the proportions have reversed. It is 22 years ministry, and 15 to go. I really enjoy this work. I enjoy ministry, and I feel slightly at edge to think I am on the homeward half. Still lots of time, but not as much. Suddenly everything seems closer.
So does the end. When I turned 40, my life’s end, all going well was still about 35-40 years away, maybe more. But not, well that is 25 -30 years. All so much closer! I am more fully faced with my own mortality. This will happen, and not so far away as it was once. I cannot avoid this.
And I feel that. At 40, I had to take slightly longer to heal. I had to work slightly harder to get ready for things. But hockey continued, life continued. Now, my knee won’t get better, and maybe hockey is over. I trained hard for the last two bike rides, and did really slow times, much slower than before. Doing the 100k flyer and Round Taupo cycle ride is going to take a lot more work. I am slowing down.
Part of all this is that it feels like my life moving slowly towards an end. That sound morbid, and I don’t want to be morbid, but, I am well over half way! I talked about this at Spiritual Direction the other day. And there is more to do with this, but one fo the things I came to was, this is not my life. It is God’s! My task is not to fret about it’s passing, but to live it. It is a gift, for others, and so I am called to live this gift for others. And rejoice as I live it. Yes I am getting older. I am over half way. I am slowing down. My kids will leave home, and all that twill change. And that will bring new joys. New challenges. And maybe I will never do really fast times again on a bike, although I am sure the 83 year old kicked my but on the 100k flyer, so maybe I can do better times. It will just take a bit more work. And a lot more focussing on living now and not worrying about what might happen in the future.
Well, when I turned 40 I said to myself, “well that is the first half over, the rehearsal, so let’s get on and live this life!” And not a lot changed really. My youngest was still at preschool, and so I kept going to Playcentre several times a week. And school was still very important, and would be for a long time yet. All of them were still really involved in al the things kids do, and we were involved in what parents do. And it was going to be a long time before that changed. Well this time, my eldest has left home and is at university. Michael is in year 12, and will probably leave home in the next two years. And within five years Rebekah will have left too. Life will not just carry on as before as it did when I turned 40. Big changes are happening now.
When I turned 40, I had been in stipendiary ministry for about 12 years. I still had 25 years to go. Retirement still seemed a long way away. But this time the proportions have reversed. It is 22 years ministry, and 15 to go. I really enjoy this work. I enjoy ministry, and I feel slightly at edge to think I am on the homeward half. Still lots of time, but not as much. Suddenly everything seems closer.
So does the end. When I turned 40, my life’s end, all going well was still about 35-40 years away, maybe more. But not, well that is 25 -30 years. All so much closer! I am more fully faced with my own mortality. This will happen, and not so far away as it was once. I cannot avoid this.
And I feel that. At 40, I had to take slightly longer to heal. I had to work slightly harder to get ready for things. But hockey continued, life continued. Now, my knee won’t get better, and maybe hockey is over. I trained hard for the last two bike rides, and did really slow times, much slower than before. Doing the 100k flyer and Round Taupo cycle ride is going to take a lot more work. I am slowing down.
Part of all this is that it feels like my life moving slowly towards an end. That sound morbid, and I don’t want to be morbid, but, I am well over half way! I talked about this at Spiritual Direction the other day. And there is more to do with this, but one fo the things I came to was, this is not my life. It is God’s! My task is not to fret about it’s passing, but to live it. It is a gift, for others, and so I am called to live this gift for others. And rejoice as I live it. Yes I am getting older. I am over half way. I am slowing down. My kids will leave home, and all that twill change. And that will bring new joys. New challenges. And maybe I will never do really fast times again on a bike, although I am sure the 83 year old kicked my but on the 100k flyer, so maybe I can do better times. It will just take a bit more work. And a lot more focussing on living now and not worrying about what might happen in the future.
Comments
Take care
Paul
I turned 50 in February. I'm also in youth ministry (in the U.S.) so this really resonated with me. yeah, 40 was a bummer but 50 really messed with my head.
But it was also a goad not to simply drift through whatever time I have left. In the last 12 weeks I've dropped 20 pounds. I'm in probably the best shape of my adult life. I'm planning on a 40+ mile bike ride at the end of June with the goal of either a 75 or 100 miler by the end of the summer (either would be a new personal standard).
I do not know that I'm raging against the dying of the light just yet. But I have no plans to go gently into that good night.
Peace
Jay
Hugh
very interesting post. I have to confess that I feel much the same about heading for 40 (still a wee way off thank goodenss :). I have a beautiful cherry tree outside my window that is now in glorious autumn colour - I was looking at it this morning while I was praying and thought about how incredibly beautiful it was in it's autumn days. Even more glorious then it was in Spring. Not that I am by any means suggesting you are in your autumn days! :) but it made me start thinking about how God's creation is beautiful in all it's seasons and as part of God's creation so are we. Hard to remember in our society which seems to hold up youngness as the pinnacle and everything else as downhill.
Great to see you at Synod. Take care,
Teri